I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
