smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
