there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
