I wish I could punch you in the face.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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