really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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