my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
