dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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