At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
