The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize