bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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