Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is Oprah even human
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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