dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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