I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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