two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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