I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
