fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sext me about skeletons
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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