the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
