I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize