I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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