Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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