I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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