i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
