I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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