Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
