dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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