We won't sleep together?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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