I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
