You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the condom got lost in my hair
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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