I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
