i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
