Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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