how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
