I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize