hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
