If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
