I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize