First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
