Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
