This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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