I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
