last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
