I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sext me about skeletons
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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