I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
