I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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