he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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