i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
