I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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