so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
