I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
