Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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