Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
