It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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