Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
