Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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