You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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