so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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