i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
