everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
