I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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