Someone shit on the floor
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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