You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
