For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
