while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
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