Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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